The box is open…

And I did, in fact, miscarry.  I’m still working through a lot of emotions from it.  I will be the first to admit that I wasn’t exactly thrilled by the positive pregnancy test.  I was terrified at the thought of having another child so quickly after the twins.  But at the same time I was absolutely terrified of losing the pregnancy.

Of course, I’ve been seeing babies and pregnant women everywhere.  For the most part they’ve been there all along and I can deal with those situations okay (the woman 2 desks down from me who is due in 2 weeks, the manager who’s wife had a baby girl last week).  The harder part has been seeing people I don’t know who are pregnant or have small babies.  The unexpected, I guess you could say.

I’ve gotten really good at compartmentalizing the last year or so.  Life around here never slows down much less stops, even if I’m sick or hurting, so I don’t have much choice.  That’s why it surprised me how much it hurt when the woman who was very, very, very pregnant got behind me in line at Target today.  I don’t begrudge her her happiness (or her exhaustion) but it was a very clear reminder of what I won’t look like and feel like 7 months from now.  It made my heart ache.

But mostly I’m still in a fog.  I haven’t told anyone at work though I think my manager’s manager may have figured it out.  It’s been one of those weird weeks.  My old manager contacted me to say hi and that we should get together for lunch and catch up sometime.  Another co-worker was talking about how once people start having children they seem to have them in rapid succession.  Last week, my manager was asking if C and I were planning on having any more kids.  When he asked that, the miscarriage hadn’t been confirmed yet and I had no clue how to respond other than that we were going to see what life brings us.  Perfectly innocent events but they do make me wonder how much others have figured out.

So now I have my answer and feel a little less like a science experiment.  It doesn’t make be feel any better yet but I’m sure that will come in time.

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In Limbo

I have not disappeared off the face of the earth – much as it may appear that way from my lack of posts.  There’s been a lot going on around here lately.  How many times have I started off the post with that?  How can it seem so much more true each time?

My best friend from high school got married this past weekend.  I was her matron of honor and V was her confetti girl.  My friend wanted something relatively simple but fun.  She had balloons all over the place instead of flowers.  It turned out beautifully!

While at the wedding, C got a call from his doctor.  His blood work had come back from a recent physical and he’s developed some health problems.  It’s hereditary.  Dietary changes are in the works for us all to eat more healthily.

But all of that is kind of on hold right now (to a certain extent – I’m still cooking more healthy foods whenever possible but that’s currently difficult).  Here’s where we step into the realm of possible TMI.  You’ve been warned.

With breastfeeding and hormones still out of whack post-twins-pregnancy, my cycles have been a bit irregular.  Since I know we have to be very cautious at the front end of my fertile period (exhibits A, B, and C for that are currently sleeping up stairs), we were abstaining quite a bit.  So when I was a couple days past when I thought I had ovulated, I got a little, ummm, amorous.

Within a couple days, I just knew deep down in my bones that I was pregnant.  I started taking pregnancy tests every other day even though I knew it was too early to be positive even if I was.  Finally, I took one and I swore I could see the second line.  I was freaking out.  Since C was home, I made him get up and look at it with me.  He couldn’t see the second line.  That afternoon I started my period so that was that…

….Or so I thought.  15 days later I started bleeding and cramping again.  15 days.  My cycles are out of whack but not that far.  I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  Big fat positive.  Can’t even get the cap back on and the line appears positive.  Not just conceived positive.  Of course, it was a Sunday night and the bleeding and cramping were getting worse and there was nothing I could do about it.  Never having experienced a pregnancy loss before, I did call the on-call doctor who basically told me to call the office first thing in the morning.

Which I did.  And they were able to see me right away.  It felt like everyone I talked to was saying that it was just spotting because I wasn’t soaking a pad in an hour.  I know spotting.  This?  This was not spotting.  Honestly, until the nurse practitioner did her exam and finally said that it was a good bit of blood, it didn’t seem like anyone but C believed that there could be an issue.

But bleeding is not sufficient to make a diagnosis.  And since I didn’t know how far along I was (since I may have gotten a positive pregnancy test before my last ‘period’), the nurse practitioner wouldn’t order an ultrasound.  Which I get.  But that doesn’t make it any easier to walk out of the office leaving a couple of vials of blood with no further information other than to take it easy and drink a lot of water.  I’m still breastfeeding.  I stay hydrated already.  And rest?  Not happening these days.

I worked from home in the afternoon because I didn’t want to see people.  And I’m glad I did.  Because I started passing clots and cramping more and I’m just glad I didn’t have to do that in the office bathroom.  Then last night I passed a clump of tissue.  Google isn’t really helpful but I have my suspicions.

Today I called to get the results of the blood work.  Positive for pregnancy and my numbers look good said the nurse practitioner.  I described to her what I passed last night.  Her response was that we just have to keep drawing blood to see what the numbers have done over time…because of the possibility of a twin.  So…suspicion confirmed?

But I’m still in limbo.  It feels like a Schrödinger’s cat scenario.  In my mind, I am simultaneously pregnant and not pregnant at the same time.  Weird way to say it but it is what I am doing to cope with the not knowing.  I can’t assume that I’m not pregnant and do whatever I want.  But I can’t assume that I am pregnant and let my mind go to all of those very scary (4 under 4?) but also very wonderful (baby snuggles) places.  If I do, I’m not sure I can keep it together well enough to function until someone opens the stupid box.

I’m finding it difficult to explain to the few people who do know that I understand that we’ll work things out regardless of the outcome.  That it will be difficult either way but we can make it through.  I know that.  While I had some crazy panic at first at the idea of having another child 9 months from now, I’ve gotten very good at putting my head down and pushing through the challenges this year.  What I am having trouble dealing with is this unknown – being unable to say for certain whether I am pregnant or not.  THAT is what I can’t deal with.

Fresh Sheets

It has been a rough few weeks.  There has been a lot of anxiety in the house regarding daycare and the financial strain that it poses.  We are in a pretty tight place until either C or I gets a raise.  I am up for a promotion but even if I get it, I won’t see the difference on a paycheck until the end of August.

To add fat to the fire, V has been getting aggressive with her sisters and we are trying to nip that in the bud before someone gets hurt.  The twins have been going through that separation anxiety phase that normally happens around age 1.  And we’ve been working whole milk into their diet so I can stop pumping at work and they reverse cycled a bit for a few days there.

All of that has left me feeling roughly like a zombie.  I drink coffee, Mt. Dew, tea – none of the caffeine seems to put a dent in the exhaustion.  I know I need to just start going to bed earlier but things seem to keep coming up and the next thing I know my head is hitting the pillow at midnight once agan.

The other night I forced myself to at least go upstairs early.  The plan was to read for 10 or 15 minutes and then go to sleep.  Of course, as soon as I got up the stairs I realized I had been meaning to change the sheets for weeks and still hadn’t done it.  So I took the time to finally do it.

I must admit that it felt very good to slip between clean sheets for a few minutes with Asimov.  But who am I kidding?  I can’t read for just 10 or 15 minutes.  Before I knew it, the clock read 11:30 and S was ready for her midnight snack. I got her fed and finished getting myself ready for bed just in time to lay down at midnight.  But at least the sheets were comfy.

Wouldn’t it be nice if we could change our bad habits as easily as we change sheets and with such pleasant results?  I know I would be a better wife, mother, employee, and person in general if I took better care of myself.  But knowing that I need to change (and what I need to change) is much easier than actually doing it.

Craziness

It’s been a while since I made a decent post.  There has been a lot going on around the homestead.  We’ve had some changes to our daycare setup, including having to tell a very good friend that we could no longer afford her services and hiring another woman who we barely know.  Tomorrow is the first time that the new woman will be alone with all 3 kids at once and it’s a full day.  I am a little nervous to say the least.

It was hard enough leaving the girls with family and women who have become like family.  Now I am starting all over again emotionally.  It feels like my first day back at work all over again.

Another tough aspect of this is that even with paying the lower rate for that day of the week, we are overall increasing our payout because we will now be paying for 5 days instead of 4.  This is putting an incredible strain on our finances.  Daycare was already our biggest bill as it was, nearly twice our mortgage.  We have cut most of the discretionary expenses we can think of that will have any significant impact but it’s not enough.  I am even in the process of restructuring my loan payment down to 1/3 of its current size and it’s still not enough.

The only relief in sight is the promotion that I am supposed to be getting in the next couple months but it’s not written in stone and right now the end of August seems like it is so far away.  That has been another source of stress.  I completed everything I needed to do for the promotion back in February, not realizing that I wouldn’t be eligible for the promotion until midyear anyway.  Since my part of the process was to pass business case interviews, I probably would have waited until the twins were sleeping better to do it.  But clarity of the promotions process is not my company’s strong suit.

Another challenge has been general fussiness from the twins.  I don’t know if it was teething or their one year vaccinations or what but they were fussy and not sleeping well for about 5 days straight.  Thankfully they slept well last night.  S even slept through a feeding or two, only waking up once.  Striking it out prevents it from cursing me, right?  Every time I have said one or both was sleeping well in the past, they imediately start waking up 10,000 times a night.

Everything put together has left me exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically.  All I want to do in the evenings is veg out in front of the tv and watch a movie or play Mass Effect.  I have given in to that temptation several times.  I haven’t been nearly as productive as I should have but I think the mental breaks have helped me keep hold of my temper a few times more than I would have otherwise.  And I know things will level out eventually and I will get back to working out, cleaning better, organizing, and blogging – I just have to be patient.

Never Forget the Hangry

I forget exactly where I first heard the term “hangry.”  I think it was twinstuff.com (great site with wonderful forums, by the way).  Regardless, when I first heard the term, I thought it fit V perfectly.  Perhaps it is due to how little she eats at any given time but when she gets hungry it is a lot more difficult to interact with her.
 
A few weekends ago we were at my in-laws’ house for Mothers Day and in the chaos, I forgot to make sure V got an afternoon snack (she’d been too busy running around to eat lunch).  So by the time we needed to leave for church, it seemed like all hell broke loose.  I was trying to get clean training pants on her and she threw the absolute worst tantrum I have ever seen from her.  She was literally flailing on the floor.  It took both C and me to wrestle her into training pants.  It was bad – very, very bad.
 
We finally got to church and the fact that she’d barely eaten that day dawned on me.  Luckily, I never go anywhere without Cheerios, crackers, or something in my diaper bag.  I fished around in the abyss and finally came up with yogurt-covered raisins.  After 3 or 4 handfuls, it was like a completely different child was sitting beside me on the church pew.  V was less whiny and more cooperative.
 
Whenever the hangry starts rearing its ugly head, I just have to remember to try some food before getting too frustrated with V (or even L or S).  Heck, I can even get hangry sometimes, especially when I’m breastfeeding.  Who says chocolate can’t fix anything?

Overheard In Our House #5

One Saturday morning recently, I let V come into the bathroom while I showered and prepared for the day.  As I was getting ready to brush my hair she said “You brush the black ones and I’ll brush the grey ones.”

It took me a few minutes to figure out what she meant – mostly because I didn’t think I had any grey hairs!  What she meant to say was “You brush with the black brush and I’ll brush with the grey comb.”

Ah, what a difference a couple of words makes!

A whole year…

I still find it hard to believe that I had 2 babies on the same day.  And now it’s hard to believe that that day was a year ago.  Not much else to say except wow…..

Trouble and blessings times 2

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Miss L

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Miss S

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So incredibly blessed

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