And I did, in fact, miscarry. I’m still working through a lot of emotions from it. I will be the first to admit that I wasn’t exactly thrilled by the positive pregnancy test. I was terrified at the thought of having another child so quickly after the twins. But at the same time I was absolutely terrified of losing the pregnancy.
Of course, I’ve been seeing babies and pregnant women everywhere. For the most part they’ve been there all along and I can deal with those situations okay (the woman 2 desks down from me who is due in 2 weeks, the manager who’s wife had a baby girl last week). The harder part has been seeing people I don’t know who are pregnant or have small babies. The unexpected, I guess you could say.
I’ve gotten really good at compartmentalizing the last year or so. Life around here never slows down much less stops, even if I’m sick or hurting, so I don’t have much choice. That’s why it surprised me how much it hurt when the woman who was very, very, very pregnant got behind me in line at Target today. I don’t begrudge her her happiness (or her exhaustion) but it was a very clear reminder of what I won’t look like and feel like 7 months from now. It made my heart ache.
But mostly I’m still in a fog. I haven’t told anyone at work though I think my manager’s manager may have figured it out. It’s been one of those weird weeks. My old manager contacted me to say hi and that we should get together for lunch and catch up sometime. Another co-worker was talking about how once people start having children they seem to have them in rapid succession. Last week, my manager was asking if C and I were planning on having any more kids. When he asked that, the miscarriage hadn’t been confirmed yet and I had no clue how to respond other than that we were going to see what life brings us. Perfectly innocent events but they do make me wonder how much others have figured out.
So now I have my answer and feel a little less like a science experiment. It doesn’t make be feel any better yet but I’m sure that will come in time.