In Limbo

I have not disappeared off the face of the earth – much as it may appear that way from my lack of posts.  There’s been a lot going on around here lately.  How many times have I started off the post with that?  How can it seem so much more true each time?

My best friend from high school got married this past weekend.  I was her matron of honor and V was her confetti girl.  My friend wanted something relatively simple but fun.  She had balloons all over the place instead of flowers.  It turned out beautifully!

While at the wedding, C got a call from his doctor.  His blood work had come back from a recent physical and he’s developed some health problems.  It’s hereditary.  Dietary changes are in the works for us all to eat more healthily.

But all of that is kind of on hold right now (to a certain extent – I’m still cooking more healthy foods whenever possible but that’s currently difficult).  Here’s where we step into the realm of possible TMI.  You’ve been warned.

With breastfeeding and hormones still out of whack post-twins-pregnancy, my cycles have been a bit irregular.  Since I know we have to be very cautious at the front end of my fertile period (exhibits A, B, and C for that are currently sleeping up stairs), we were abstaining quite a bit.  So when I was a couple days past when I thought I had ovulated, I got a little, ummm, amorous.

Within a couple days, I just knew deep down in my bones that I was pregnant.  I started taking pregnancy tests every other day even though I knew it was too early to be positive even if I was.  Finally, I took one and I swore I could see the second line.  I was freaking out.  Since C was home, I made him get up and look at it with me.  He couldn’t see the second line.  That afternoon I started my period so that was that…

….Or so I thought.  15 days later I started bleeding and cramping again.  15 days.  My cycles are out of whack but not that far.  I took a pregnancy test and it was positive.  Big fat positive.  Can’t even get the cap back on and the line appears positive.  Not just conceived positive.  Of course, it was a Sunday night and the bleeding and cramping were getting worse and there was nothing I could do about it.  Never having experienced a pregnancy loss before, I did call the on-call doctor who basically told me to call the office first thing in the morning.

Which I did.  And they were able to see me right away.  It felt like everyone I talked to was saying that it was just spotting because I wasn’t soaking a pad in an hour.  I know spotting.  This?  This was not spotting.  Honestly, until the nurse practitioner did her exam and finally said that it was a good bit of blood, it didn’t seem like anyone but C believed that there could be an issue.

But bleeding is not sufficient to make a diagnosis.  And since I didn’t know how far along I was (since I may have gotten a positive pregnancy test before my last ‘period’), the nurse practitioner wouldn’t order an ultrasound.  Which I get.  But that doesn’t make it any easier to walk out of the office leaving a couple of vials of blood with no further information other than to take it easy and drink a lot of water.  I’m still breastfeeding.  I stay hydrated already.  And rest?  Not happening these days.

I worked from home in the afternoon because I didn’t want to see people.  And I’m glad I did.  Because I started passing clots and cramping more and I’m just glad I didn’t have to do that in the office bathroom.  Then last night I passed a clump of tissue.  Google isn’t really helpful but I have my suspicions.

Today I called to get the results of the blood work.  Positive for pregnancy and my numbers look good said the nurse practitioner.  I described to her what I passed last night.  Her response was that we just have to keep drawing blood to see what the numbers have done over time…because of the possibility of a twin.  So…suspicion confirmed?

But I’m still in limbo.  It feels like a Schrödinger’s cat scenario.  In my mind, I am simultaneously pregnant and not pregnant at the same time.  Weird way to say it but it is what I am doing to cope with the not knowing.  I can’t assume that I’m not pregnant and do whatever I want.  But I can’t assume that I am pregnant and let my mind go to all of those very scary (4 under 4?) but also very wonderful (baby snuggles) places.  If I do, I’m not sure I can keep it together well enough to function until someone opens the stupid box.

I’m finding it difficult to explain to the few people who do know that I understand that we’ll work things out regardless of the outcome.  That it will be difficult either way but we can make it through.  I know that.  While I had some crazy panic at first at the idea of having another child 9 months from now, I’ve gotten very good at putting my head down and pushing through the challenges this year.  What I am having trouble dealing with is this unknown – being unable to say for certain whether I am pregnant or not.  THAT is what I can’t deal with.

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