Craziness

It’s been a while since I made a decent post.  There has been a lot going on around the homestead.  We’ve had some changes to our daycare setup, including having to tell a very good friend that we could no longer afford her services and hiring another woman who we barely know.  Tomorrow is the first time that the new woman will be alone with all 3 kids at once and it’s a full day.  I am a little nervous to say the least.

It was hard enough leaving the girls with family and women who have become like family.  Now I am starting all over again emotionally.  It feels like my first day back at work all over again.

Another tough aspect of this is that even with paying the lower rate for that day of the week, we are overall increasing our payout because we will now be paying for 5 days instead of 4.  This is putting an incredible strain on our finances.  Daycare was already our biggest bill as it was, nearly twice our mortgage.  We have cut most of the discretionary expenses we can think of that will have any significant impact but it’s not enough.  I am even in the process of restructuring my loan payment down to 1/3 of its current size and it’s still not enough.

The only relief in sight is the promotion that I am supposed to be getting in the next couple months but it’s not written in stone and right now the end of August seems like it is so far away.  That has been another source of stress.  I completed everything I needed to do for the promotion back in February, not realizing that I wouldn’t be eligible for the promotion until midyear anyway.  Since my part of the process was to pass business case interviews, I probably would have waited until the twins were sleeping better to do it.  But clarity of the promotions process is not my company’s strong suit.

Another challenge has been general fussiness from the twins.  I don’t know if it was teething or their one year vaccinations or what but they were fussy and not sleeping well for about 5 days straight.  Thankfully they slept well last night.  S even slept through a feeding or two, only waking up once.  Striking it out prevents it from cursing me, right?  Every time I have said one or both was sleeping well in the past, they imediately start waking up 10,000 times a night.

Everything put together has left me exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically.  All I want to do in the evenings is veg out in front of the tv and watch a movie or play Mass Effect.  I have given in to that temptation several times.  I haven’t been nearly as productive as I should have but I think the mental breaks have helped me keep hold of my temper a few times more than I would have otherwise.  And I know things will level out eventually and I will get back to working out, cleaning better, organizing, and blogging – I just have to be patient.

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